When I was a young girl the world was a magical place, full of fun, love and most of all it was safe.
I wanted to be a ballerina, an author, an archeologist, a pop star, a rally driver, a hero in any sort of career. I wanted to be married, have babies and puppies.
When I hit 18 I realised sadly it was very likely that none of these careers would be for me. Life had other plans for me. Life put me in situations that felt like the darkest depths that a human could go to, life made me feel worthless and life tested my soul to the very limits it could reach.
As a human once you reach the very darkest point that anyone could physically reach, you have no where left to go. Describing this point in my life is unexplainable, the pain and the black is too much. It is like reaching the core of the earth a pitch black nothing, some people describe it as being a wall but the word wall, implies there is something on the other side. Which there was not. It was nothing a pure black never ending. If you have ever experienced deep deep depression you will understand the pain and helplessness that comes along with it.
The world isn’t here to make you feel good, and other people aren’t here to make you feel good. You have to learn about yourself, take time out to research different things, do activities you’ve never done and find what really makes your heart happy.
Dragging my body and soul through that stage of life was pure hell. But now, I so am thankful for every night that I would cry myself to sleep, every second I would think about not being here anymore and every moment where I was so high on adrenaline that life was a blur.
I am thankful for how cruel life treated me at times, I can now see how raw and beautiful this world is. I appreciate being able to feel emotion, whether that be good or bad. Next time you feel so low that there seems to be no chance of ever feeling like you will be able to creep out of it, just remember you will. You will be able to experience every emotion, and it will feel so much more precious and breathtaking. Take every opportunity you want to, learn to say no to people and love yourself! We humans are so much stronger and more intelligent than we ever give ourselves credit for.
Love isn’t as amazing if you’ve never experienced heartbreak, money doesn’t mean as much if you’ve never had to survive without it and being happy means fuck all if you’ve never been sad.
Life, my body and my soul have shown me I am my own fucking hero. I am far more than I could ever of imagined I would be when I was little.
Chloe Constance. x